Sunday cruising

A new POF coffee date today with Gary. From his profile 6'2" tall muscular and with that typical Australian down to earth no nonsense humour. I loved his profile account which says 'Was bought to my attention my profile pics appear as if I am in love with myself... well, that's not the case', which amused me for its honesty as his pic certainly looks that way! Did meet up and we had a lovely afternoon. My first impression was that he had puffed up from this profile pic - a bout of depression with extreme fatigue syndrome which is now cured had rounded any edges. As with Darren he has issues with his ex wife and his children. He has a court case about custody tomorrow. I suppose it's just being at that certain age that men you meet are going to have children, alimony and divorces under their belt. I think this could be a friend goer, as we did get on well, no sexual chemistry (shame about the expanded midriff! - I know I know.. kettle black!) but definitely had a good chat about the universe and everything. Though despite saying that I wasn't interested in fishing or hearing about the demise of animals - it didn't stop him talking in detail about how to set a foolproof trap for a mantis shrimp or pointing out the good places to fish for crayfish. He told me a story about a previous POF date. He met up with a 21 year old girl... her POF profile pic did not show the piercings up the back of her neck and around her wrist. They did the coffee thing. Then she called him the next day to meet on the beach. She was there with another girlfriend and he escaped in his underwear (having a threesome on the beach with all the sandy bits he didn't find appealing). Later in the week despite protestations she came round to his house and stayed the night. After she left he was bombarded by 40 calls a day from her to which he finished it. A text message 3 weeks later advised him that she was pregnant.............. to which he replied 'congratulations' (he has had a vasectomy) so he knew it wasn't his! End of that experience. Little bit concerned as we agreed to meet at one of the coffee places on the beach at Clifton Beach (which he spelt out to me). After not managing to find a coffee place by the beach I get a call from him saying that he was at Palm Cove! And so on for a sexual first..... Last night the phone went at 3.00am. Dulcid American tones emitted - it was Bruce from last weekend. Professing undying love. Whether the result of an empty bed, emotional turmoil, being half awake and the aftermath of alcohol we did enter into telephone sex. Him imagining me... me imagining 'S' (ex boyfriend) (I know! slap my wrists!). Never done it before, but it was interesting! Though felt my use of vocabulary wasn't as flowery as it could be (must read some more Mills & Boons bodice ripper books). He then proceeded to ring me back at 4.00am. Then at 7.04am (turned phone off then), then 7.17am then 7.30 am now he's calling at 20.40 and now again at 23.43 and finally 23.51 - I have now turned my phone off again - at this rate I will not even be able to put it back on again! A girl's got to get her beauty sleep. Found out he is 53 - told him I would see him when he grows his chest hairs..... but I think chest hairs or not it's going to have to be in true Aussie style 'Gdday Bruce!'. As a footnote, S(ex boyfriend) did call on Friday night just as I was going out with Christian - my gay tenant and I haven't returned the call. Not sure how to play this one.... also, trying to work out his new relationship with Belle - I have just remembered that she was travelling in September and October, so if they got together in August it means that they have only had a few weeks together... Should be interesting ... wonder how long it's going to last when Belle who definitely is a 'nice' girl is never taken out to dinner, theatre or cinema. All her social life is spent drinking and watching her boyfriend get sozzled. Their only day together is Sunday and we are talking about a man who left her 40th birthday party because he thought her friends were boring! Trace of bitterness perhaps creeping in there? Realism and a certain amount of - if you want him you can HAVE him - warts (of which there are many) and all! Well, it was her who called "S" a "functioning alcoholic" - so she has definitely stepped in with eyes wide open and brain closed! I know one is supposed to be all human and buddhist and say that if you love someone then you should wish them to be happy, but hey, looks like I am not the perfect human being. My karma over this one will be shot into the next 5 reincarnations to atone for my evil thoughts. Had a long conversation with Matt today (hobbies surfing and gym!)- another POF contact... aged 28! Whoops! He wants to come and stay with me so I said it would be better to chat on the phone first. So we had a good chat - he seemed to be down to earth and straightforward (though if he was an axe murderer, I am sure as a criminal profiler they would act the same). If his picture is anything to go by he can come up and stay tomorrow! Though wouldn't mind seeing some more pics... in case he only has one eye. Talking has ticked the box against any speech impediments. Just worried this one might be too good to be true (certainly very sexy.. not sure about the mental meeting of two minds, but hey... he can string a sentence together and laugh at my jokes!)

ss

Oh dear.. I didn't want this blog to be so 'man' orientated. But if you remember Darren - who I was supposed to meet and dropped of the edge of the world last Sunday - we rebooked with a time for 12.00 this Sunday until I receive this email:


i am very very very sorry I may not be able to make it.
looks like I may have got my wish, the ex spun out yesturday and took heap of pills and drunk herself to oblivion trying to kill herself. I was called to help calm her down. they (her Family) gave me the child right then and there.

I may not be in love with her, but that doesn't mean I dont care about her well being.

the cops and ambo's showed up and she made quite a scene. she was tested and stuff. I spent the night in hospital and at her mums place. she needs some serious help. and so do i. how the hell am I gunna look after a girl and run a business. so I am very sorry. dont even know what i am doin .been up all night, havent got a clue.

I might be able to bring out my little one for a look see on sunday. but so much can happen in a day. we are all taking turns watching her, and she will be locked up in physc ward or have to go on some rehab thing.

fully understand if you never talk to me again, but i just cant tell you anything more til i know more.

please just keep messages to here, if she hears i am seeing other women from messages it will send her off the edge further.

I swear On my kid dieing of cancer this is the truth.
might be best to not make real plans till tomorrow.

once again I am very sorry, am so tired and mentaly exhausted. but at least I have my girl back and legal proof to back it all up. what a f*&king nightmare.

Oh dear... it is all dramatic on the man front at the moment!

Never mind.. off out to dinner - my first 'posh' dinner at one of the top restaurants here in Port Douglas called Salsa - where Clinton was dining when 9/11 happened (he must have thanked is after dinner coffee that Bush was left holding the baby on that one).

And who am I going to dinner with - a gay friend who is staying with me at the moment! But that's another story........

In Memoriam .... the final turn of the knife!

Well after 6 years with my ex boyfriend and leaving him 4 months ago - with always the glimmer that maybe he will 'see the light' blinded by my absolute beauty and realising that he has lost the one great love of his life. Not to mention a miraculous injection of empathy and understanding - well I finally have woken up from the dream....

We have been very friendly and he has been a bit of a rock with regards to us chatting once a week and it has been lovely to have that connection.

Last night this email arrives:

Penelope

I have been trying to tell you something for a little while, which is hard to say, so I've put it in writing. For the last few months i've been seeing someone. It has been something I didn't plan on but I needed to let you know. I didn't know how to tell you. I really don't want to hurt you but I'm sure reading this won't be fun for you.

We have gone our own ways but thought you deserved the respect of hearing things from me.

I don't really know what to say here. I'm sure you will want to know who, what and all.... but please just accept that we have gone on with our lives. I really hope we can still remain friends. I've been seeing little Belle. We just got together completely out of the blue. It is not something that has been going on for ages. It is as surprising for me as you. I really didn't want you to get hurt, but after you sent Belle that message on Facebook recently she asked me to let you know.

I hope you can be happy for me. I hope you find happiness as well. We weren't happy together and i have a chance to look for it. I didn't want you to have false hopes of anything happening with us in the future. I really hope you understand.

I'm sorry to have to let you know this way but I hope it gives you time to digest everything. I will give you a call tomorrow. I will understand if you don't want to talk to me for a while........but i'll call anyway.

Sorry

S


Belle for information is a girl he has known for 20 years, that he encouraged me to be friendly with in Sydney and who I confided much in, including the reasons for our break up and opening up to her when it was happening.

This is the guy who only 3 months ago was asking me when I was coming home and when it finally dawned on him that I was leaving he remarked how much 'it hurts'.

To make it even more irksome.. LITTLE Belle... what am I great BIG Penelope! I certainly feel a great BIG mug thinking about our phone calls in the last couple of months and me thinking that there might be a glimmer of hope that he might see the light and suddenly gain 30 years emotional maturity in a few days!


So my reply

S

Thank you for being honest - that was really the only thing I wanted from you and was the biggest disappointment when I didn't receive it.

It's a shame that it has happened now, if only I had had it from you before I feel that our relationship would have survived.

I am pleased for Belle and for you. You are both wonderful people and I can only love you and hope you are happy.

I have to admit I was hoping that you might turn round step up to the mark and say some meaningful words and I would have considered returning.

Still, I hope in you I will always have a friend and I hope we can continue with a friendship.

You came into my life and it has been a great pleasure knowing you and loving you.

I knew that this was going to happen so I have kind of prepared myself and I kind of had a feeling

I suppose it is time for me to move on, though my heart is still very much yours. I haven't slept with anyone else but you for the last 6 years and to be honest I don't really want to - just in case you were wondering. Have met some guys but my sense of humour seems to fall a bit flat on them :)

Thank you again for your honesty - much appreciated
Penelope x


Don't you just love this one.... Loved my honesty at the end with who I slept with (thought that James the gardener didn't really count!) - well, better for the dramatic end not to mention him. Had to mention this as he always maintained I had an affair with Robson Green (yep.. the British Actor.. but that's another story - and I didn't)

Then after stewing, trying sleep tossing and turning I sent another one - so much for keeping my dignity and my chin high.. sod that... let's just take it up a notch in the vitriol stakes!

S

A follow on from my last email.. just can't sleep tonight my brain and emotions are all in a turmoil. So have to get some things off my chest...

One thing that I am sad about is that I don't think you really loved me or cared for me. They say that that full recovery from a relationship one has to allow for half the time of the relationship - I can quite believe it. I have already faced this for a year and still feel it every day. Good to know that for you it was only 12 weeks! It certainly was a quick turnaround. Which leads me to the sad realisation, that I knew a while ago was that you really didn't love me. 'We weren't happy together' is a sad statement - sounds like you are justifying everything as we had every chance to be - but you blew it!. I put my heart and soul into our relationship and you coasted along with the minimum of emotional effort.

From not talking to me for a week after returning after my Mother's death when I most needed support I think took the rug emotionally from under my feet - not only having to deal with her death, but the reality that I had a boyfriend who when i really needed him to be supportive and understanding wasn't there. I think that was the start of the downward spiral for me. You will no doubt justify going off on internet sex sites and arranging sex session and shacking up with drunken girl friends in my absence as all my fault because our sex life had deterioriated. Yet, the idea of perhaps working out what was wrong and how to improve it and to talk about it (because it was purely that I felt you didn't care about me) never seemed to enter your head. Or even being honest when I found out about your sexual antics, saying sorry and working on how to improve the relationship never crossed your mind either.

Your travel plans with Mick to Costa Rica and your sailing trips with anybody who said 'I have a yacht and let's travel round the world led me to believe that jumping ship from me was really not that hard for you to do.

I know you are not at all bothered what I have to say anymore and the last throws of emotional turmoil from me, that I am still going through is probably just going to be laughed at as the writings of an emotionally unstable woman.

I do feel slapped in the face by you emotionally and the cherry on the pie certainly smacks when you can be involved with someone else after such a short time with someone that ironically you had always earnestly tried to hitch me up with as a girlfriend when I had little in the way of friends.

Funny thing was that I actually had a flight back to Sydney and was planning to see you on my return to see if we could move forward. But after the conversation where you said that it was a two way street and that my biggest sin was not calling you when I was stuck in a meeting and you had made dinner , If that is the worst thing I have done then I must be smitten to go to hell and roast in the infernal fires!- I changed the flight to Melbourne! In retrospect it would have been a bit awkward turning up and putting my big foot where it wasn't wanted between you and Belle's!

My first email still rings true... but this one I just had to write if nothing else to get it out in the open whether it makes any difference or not, I feel better having written it. I am filled with much sadness, disappointment and the feeling of being an absolute mug! Of course you never wanted to get back with me.. or cared about what I felt...

I hope you know me to know that I needed to vent this

I do value you in my life and it probably will be more positive as a friendship than a relationship

Me x

Well, that told him - it's going to be strong man who now picks up the phone and calls me - no trace of bitterness in this one at all!

So moving on up!

Still got to work on how to get back the deposit for our flat.. money for my car, not to mention all the furnishings that I bought that are still in the house - still working on trying to push the image away of S and Belle in OUR bed! You might think I am being stingy but after all the holidays I took him on, the business I bought for him with no payback... he can blimmin pay back for the final bits.

Saturday night on the town.. working out figures with decimal points

Took myself out -as I usually do for my Saturday night out.

A 'hello' with an American accent belonging to a not unsightly gentleman greeted me after I had been sitting for a while. Enter Bruce - the only man called Bruce that I have met in Australia - and he is from the States!. Bruce lives in Adelaide, originally from Seattle and is Regional Director for a medical supplies company. He is also an ex basketball player.

Yep, so we are talking tall, physically buff, with that tight army kind of look - blue eyes and a close no. 3 head shave.

I initially noticed him as a Pamela Anderson look-a-like - bit less tacky but more of a cougar (yes, I can call a kettle black!) was chatting him up animatedly with her plumped up lips. After his hello he was definitely qualifying his leads as he mentioned that two Melbourne lassies had also asked him to join them (perhaps he had images of a menage a trois). He stated that if I wasn't interested in talking to him then he would talk to these two ladies instead. I told him to do whatever he wanted, but if he wanted to talk to me I wasn't going anywhere (isn't old age great for nonchalance).

It was his last night after a weeks holiday in Port Douglas so I think he was hoping for a right royal send off.

He seemed a caring, interesting guy, who was intellectually stimulating, and actually seemed interested in me - though overdoing it a bit with the gushing compliments me thinks. Asking questions like 'what makes you happy', 'what do you find fulfilling'. Then enter sound effects - the slide of the needle on a gramophone record. I rub my hand across his well buffed chest as my hand is placed there to feel the solid mound of his pectorals and all I feel is the prickles of a shaved chest - aaaagh! (pet hate.. shaven chests!). I make some jokes, but my sense of humour, sarcasm and bad jokes, tend to fall a bit flat. As his long frame rises and walks off - I am thinking - is that a stoop and are his legs bowed? Trying to think whether he looks well preserved late 50's in some light or mid 40's in other light. I ask if he likes dancing - 'not to this music' as the rhythms of Latin American music come over the speaker. I write my contact details on the back of my Chris Cornell ticket - who he didn't know but he did save himself and when I mentioned Soundgarden he had heard of them (phew!).

I left him gasping as I said that I was going to leave and join my friends, Rob and Jane.

Half an hour later I left (whilst answering my phone as Bruce called to wish me well and thank me for the evening) with my friends and we were going to go back to their place with another couple that were staying with them. I offered to drive…..

One police road block and 0.054 points later I was walking away with my summons for a drunk driving charge on 23^rd November and wondering where I could purchase a used bicycle.

Well, that serves me right!

Looking forward a bit to Sunday as I was due to meet with Darren (Plenty of Fish date) at lunchtime at the bungy jumping centre where we were going to while away the day looking at backpackers plummet to their drops all with a beer.

I messaged him last night to say that since I am not allowed to touch my car for 24 hours that plan has to change.

His last correspondence:

ya still up for a sunday hello or ya gunna chiken out...
baahk bahk buuk buk poor atempt at chiken sounds
ring me if you want to hear my voice
rosie I am not a player or anything else.. dont care one bit if we clash or get along like a house on fire.
would be nice to say hi is all , long way for you short distance for me.

So I have messaged on POF, I have texted – twice, I have tried to call umpteen times and left voice messages. But all fallen on silence.

So heard nothing since his last email…..

So as a finale for this blog another treat for the latest in Internet Dating 'what not to do on your profile pic'

Oh dear... seems that the best part of POF is looking at these - what kind of perverted humour do I have. But I do suffer as I usually end up getting replies as there is a counter and id on each profile saying who has looked at your picture so you know who is interested in you... whoops!

Guess who I had to get rescued today!

Is Erinsborough’s ultimate bad boy mellowing with age or should the sleepy suburb brace itself for another outrageous onslaught from original resident Paul Robinson - or will he even make it back after getting lost at sea whilst diving in the Barrier Reef?




Yes dived with Stefan today - better known as Paul Robinson from Neighbours!


Also it was my first training dive at work. So I go out with the supervisor and my two divers to navigate the dive site. Her words to me were ' I will be there and you won't know until you go wrong and I will redirect you'. So what does she do... pisses off after 15mins, without telling me.

So there's me thinking something not right after 30 mins.. so up I go to do the turtle navigation. How far away was the pontoon?.. A bit of a squint and you could see it! Whoops.. no chance of any surface swims and I have a diver on 50bar so no underwater dives either.

By the time I had found my safety sausage (big flourescent orange inflatable 5 ft long sausage) the rescue boat had arrived (small 8 ft rib).

We got into the boat, Rick the other diver was fretting a bit, so everything was good. The outboard of the small boat with 3 divers + 2 rescue staff then decided not to start.

By this time the boat was filled with water - the only thing keeping us afloat was the rib inflatable sides. Otherwise the inside of the boat was the same water level as the outside.

Flashing through my mind was an image of us all getting our fins and dive gear back on and pushing the boat back!

Luckily the motor starts up and we get back to the pontoon.

All of this taken action was taken by Rick's high tech forehead video camera - that runs up to 2 hours at a time.

I was able to see the whole awful ending replayed and replayed throughout the 1 hour return journey. I think it made Rick's vacation (he was from the States) and Stefan being an actor will certainly no doubt add his dramatic turns to this story!

Anyone for snorkelling?

I was put on the other boat today. Doesn't go to the pontoon but stops at three separate dive/snorkle sites on the Agincourt Reef.

Can you believe the Barrier Reef is as big as New Zealand/Italy?

Aaah bliss.. away from Min the Merciless. But from one gloomy outlook to another kind!

Last night it pissed down with rain of over 200mm in just 24 hours - wettest Cairns day EVER! A record breaker!

The moment we saw a Frigate fly over there were mutterings about frigate=storm.. and soon enough the squall hit.

We were hardly out of Port when a frenzied game of pass the vomit bags began. Pale faced groaning passengers retasted their breakfasts as the first surge of the waves made the boat roll as reverse peristalsis resulted. All shoved under their noses with plastic gloved hands (can't be too careful with any wayward splashes!).


And if you were wondering.. yes I was the snorkel guide today as part of my training and this was what I was snorkelling in. Underneath looking down at the divers in the calm depths I know where I would have rather been!

The current was sweeping everyone towards the back of the boat. Boy, did I get a workout today trying to keep everyone in an orderly group - behind the boat and not swept by the current to either sides of the boat.



Did so much finning that I rubbed raw my burn blister (a splodge shaped 1 inch diameter blister from when I dropped hot fat on my foot) from frantic finning friction.





One good thing about this boat is it's full of people taking refuge from Merciless Min. Apparently some people only work on this boat as they refuse to work with her on the other one .. way to go!

Dave the main guy is originally a London lad, who has worked for 8 years, and to use a cliche - the atmosphere between the two boats is like chalk that's extra chalky and cheese that's extra cheesy!

Did go to a Plenty of Fish date last week... enter Dean...

We met in a hotel area looking at asians enjoying swimming in the pool. When I asked if they served any drinks he said they didn't serve anything. I said that even a glass of water would be good (I'd been running around, and waiting for him for 15 minutes in the sun as he was late), but nowhere was there even a glass of water to be had. That's a good idea for a hot date location!

His photos showed a natural light brown head of hair. My first thought was aaaah! He had died his hair jet black, though had left the grey sideboards - strange look. Under the auspice of his raven mop in contrast was his brilliant white training shoes.

He mentioned he was ultra ultra hot on bodily and house cleanliness. He split up from his last girlfriend because she didn't listen to him. His advice to me when I said that I watched the TV was that it could hurt your eyes. I said that it was OK I used my computer at the same time. He said that that was doubly bad for the eyes. He was pretty direct and asked me if I found him attractive. I did say he wasn't really my type, with the word ANAL!! bleeping subliminally from my brain and almost made it off the tip of my tongue.

I did line up a date for after this one... Marius was in a meeting till 3.00 so he was going to call me when he got out about where to meet - we were due to meet at 6.00pm. No texts. No voicemails. I did text - no reply. So at 5.45 my last voicemail was that I was leaving and if he didn't call me in 10 minutes then I was going home...... and haven't heard from him since, even for an apology, or a rebook. Nothing like being rejected without even meeting up!

Next date I have is next Sunday... so we shall see.... !

I am a marriage celebrant... nearly

Working on my next blog... coming soon about my 3 day marriage celebrant course. Yes, I will soon be able to solemnise weddings!

Though to be honest, the celebrant bit of the 'Marriage Celebrant' bit appeals to me more than the solemn part!

Finished the course.. and don't have time to write the blog yet.. too busy catching up on the extra work required for this course so I can finish it and submit.

It was a great bunging together of many different types of people. Out of 15 people including 2 men, one was an Elvis impersonator. There was one attendee who was still in a state of shock from being in an accident when her car was written off and literally asked to be let out of the ambulance on the way to the hospital, as she didn't want to miss the course. One attendee had a disabled son and a partner with a degenerative disease, one woman who was a boat captain having to give up her career as she can't keep her hours up when pain killered up to the eyebrows with morphine due to severe spine problems so has lost her career (spine problems bought on by a severely brain damaged daughter that she has looked after for 27 years). Another single Mother with Asberger syndrome child... and that's just the one's that mentioned anything.

And so to my new job....

Two women on the boat - just love the T Shirts!














And so I start my new job... freelance and training at the moment...

Like starting my first day at school… just look at the green behind my ears!

Starts off with paperwork.. more paperwork.. how many forests died for this? This photo doesn't include all the paperwork that has to be filled in as I complete my 'training' that I left in a folder on the boat.

Then my uniform.. thank goodness no shorts.. they have skorts! Yes, shorts that look like skirts.. how brilliant! The polo shirts are tastefully in dark grey and light grey. Go well with my noticeably grubby Converse – mental note – need to clean them!

Then to the dive boat. Dive boat.. it could swallow all the dive boats I’ve ever worked on before and still have space! Reminded me more of the cross channel ferries in the UK, but with less plastic and more carpets and furnishings.

This is 3! of them...with the end one having a capacity for 450 people!

It's not a dive farm it's a dive battery farm.

The supervisor who supervises me is Japanese and I have nicknamed her ‘Min’ the Merciless. I am being told so many times over who my various supervisors are, that she is the boss of those and ultimately I am left with the feeling that I am bottom feeder of the bottom feeders. Is this a case of break me down and then build me up. When introducing me to divers she introduces herself as ‘instructor’ and me as ‘safety diver’. I don’t think she will be so safe when I get my hands on her regulator - so tempting!

I am almost tempted to brief the divers Japanese style – ‘make sure you are bleedin’ – translation ‘make sure you are breathing’.

There is no recognition that I have 8 years diving instructor experience behind me. When she asked about my experience it was to retort that it doesn’t matter how much experience I have – I have to do things their way – backing song by Frank Sinatra ‘My Way’.

The ship with its 434 people arrived at the Agincourt Reef. Pulling up alongside a platform that resembled a set from Waterworld or a water space station.

The diving Platform has lifting balconies to avoid algae growth – certainly grows my biceps when winding up those winches to lift them up. There is no tank lifting or loading at all since all tanks are fed in situ with whips to the main banks. Each tank taking 20 seconds to fill - bliss. Just take off your empty tank put on the whip and hey presto!

Stairs lead to a ledge where intro divers can do skills and then down the ropes to a 15ft deep platform.

My first exercise was a speed dive to acquaint myself with the reef, with her asking me every 5 minutes where the point of exit was. She even asked me the direction of the clown fish we had seen. By using the clown like movement of her thumb against her nose and wiggle her fingers. I thought she was taking the piss out of me – as I don’t know this sign (I was almost tempted to give it back). So she must have thought I was a right thicko.

My day was spent with the ocean walkers - we’re talking people wearing a helmet like an astronaut. But we’re not talking space walk – some people even have problems knowing what walking is. Or is it only Asians that walk with both knees bent?

On my safety training I was asked for an exercise to take James my fellow instructor (15 stone, 7 foot) to the surface wearing a 35 kilo helmet (4kg under water). He was going to pretend to have a heart attack. The only one going to have a heart attack was me…. But I managed it despite no guidance as to how I was actually going to do it! Phew!

We have a dive computer provided by the company when we take certified divers so they can monitor our depth and ascent rate (does it have a farting and peeing in wet suit monitor as well?). So I am sure no doubt I will get my wrists rapped at some point for that one!

I am trying to stay patient…. Hold my breath and count to 10…..

Min has to make people feel small and belittled to feed her sense of power – so I’ll just have to keep tugging my forelock and be the fertiiliser for her ego. My first dive she said the divers didn’t enjoy it because ‘the coral wasn’t colourful’ – so next time mental note, take some paint and brushes with me!

She has advised me that not many people make the 3 month training period and I have to admit I am looking around for the supposed new person that was supposed to have started 2 weeks before me, but I seem to be the only newby!

5^th October 2011

Back to work after 3 days off.. love these 4 day weeks. So what did I do on my days off, most notable….

.. go and get some false eyelashes of course. After seeing an Asian girl at work with cow lashes I was very impressed. It’s sods law that I might be half oriental, but I didn’t get the small oriental body – I got the small eyelashes instead. Mascara I never use – as they say, you can never polish a turd. Mascara only heightens the fact that then I have cloggy black short eyelashes. Even when they went to attach the false ones they commented that they didn’t have much to stick on to! So it has always been my dream to waft some wind by the breeze of my luscious lashes.

I did stipulate ‘natural’ to the beauty therapist/lash sticker-onner. So when I came out looking like a cross between Jessica Rabbit and some drag queen my new eyelashes somewhat didn’t flutter as they were too far apart on my amazed open eyes taking in the OTT effect. So back in for some ‘pruning’ and finally a natural flutter that didn’t require sequins and lipstick. Maintenance advice was to keep the AC on in the car and not to open the window – so no strong winds and not to get them wet until 24 hours after.

So what about work.

Today was noteable for multiple failure day. My Suunto Stinger counted my depth to 500ft – and that was sitting in the car. My replacement Swatch watch.. stopped and my back up of backups dive computer is waiting to be sent off for a battery change. So now down to counting .. underwater abacus?

This morning I had to do the sales pitch – on the sundeck. So out I go to the front of the ship and onto the seating on the top. Yep… wind was howling and all I could think about was how I could hang on to my newly acquired eyelashes.

To finalise the day the vacuum cleaner sucked.. or didn’t as the case may be (I have to clean the upper deck at the end of the day) and when being fixed by a ‘helper’ the nozzle was snapped clean off the end with a big crack. Well that fixed that blockage!

6^th October

Arrived TWO minutes late and was told off! Good start.. or is that the planned unnerving to start the day! (The next day I came in early and started to distribute leaflets – I am told I don’t do any work till I get briefed by her on what the day’s divers are booked. So I sit down to wait.. and wait.. she wanders off and has a chat with somebody else so I sit there for 15 minutes!

Was told to repeat my selling of the diving to guests on the Sun deck again. It was just as windy as the day before – how do I protect passengers from being impaled by flying false eyelashes?

For the remaining lash hanger onners they went through their final test when I was feeding the frantic Chubb and the sharp toothed Red Sea Bass to entertain my astronauts. So enthusiastic were they with my feeding technique – the fish knocked my mask off! Luckily it was knocked down and not off so I was able to put it back on again with decorum whilst entertaining my underwater astronauts. A technique achieved by holding the feed bottle between my legs to free my hands and praying that no fish would make a beeline with their sharp teeth around my crotch area.

Got to go back to get my eyelashes ‘fixed’ for a ‘few’ that have dropped out – don’t think they are banking on the whole set.

Was put back on vacuum cleaning duty at the end of today. Whilst cleaning in the cockpit command centre amongst the hi tech equipment, not quite sure how it happened but suddenly all the red lights started flashing and an alarm went off. I exited pretty pronto, with of course a look of pure innocence…..but with a brain thinking ‘Fuuuuuu******”. The captain sorted it out thank goodness, so not sure if it was a result of a wayward suck with my nozzle or a warning of some dire disaster averted.

I have advised that I can do intros in Spanish - you get a bit extra money if you can speak another language. So it was with a little trepidation that I briefed this Argentinian lady. All was expectedly rusty but with drawings, actions and Spanglish I got through it. One glitch - I was briefing on how to clear one's ears under water by holding one's nose and blowing into it. Instead of saying 'oido' for ears I said 'ojo' for eyes. So the sentence instead translated that to make your eyes pop you blow into your nose! That could have been interesting.. the look of confusion after that sentence was international and needed no translation!

On the subject of people - do tourists on holiday also leave their brain behind.. comments to me this week "Does the helicopter fly underwater", "Do these stairs go up?". They keep a book at work so I entered these and added to the host of others "where's the best place on the boat to sit to avoid being stung by jellyfish?", "can I get the coach back from the reef?"... and these are just for starters!