Well after 6 years with my ex boyfriend and leaving him 4 months ago - with always the glimmer that maybe he will 'see the light' blinded by my absolute beauty and realising that he has lost the one great love of his life. Not to mention a miraculous injection of empathy and understanding - well I finally have woken up from the dream....
We have been very friendly and he has been a bit of a rock with regards to us chatting once a week and it has been lovely to have that connection.
Last night this email arrives:
Penelope
I have been trying to tell you something for a little while, which is hard to say, so I've put it in writing. For the last few months i've been seeing someone. It has been something I didn't plan on but I needed to let you know. I didn't know how to tell you. I really don't want to hurt you but I'm sure reading this won't be fun for you.
We have gone our own ways but thought you deserved the respect of hearing things from me.
I don't really know what to say here. I'm sure you will want to know who, what and all.... but please just accept that we have gone on with our lives. I really hope we can still remain friends. I've been seeing little Belle. We just got together completely out of the blue. It is not something that has been going on for ages. It is as surprising for me as you. I really didn't want you to get hurt, but after you sent Belle that message on Facebook recently she asked me to let you know.
I hope you can be happy for me. I hope you find happiness as well. We weren't happy together and i have a chance to look for it. I didn't want you to have false hopes of anything happening with us in the future. I really hope you understand.
I'm sorry to have to let you know this way but I hope it gives you time to digest everything. I will give you a call tomorrow. I will understand if you don't want to talk to me for a while........but i'll call anyway.
Sorry
S
Belle for information is a girl he has known for 20 years, that he encouraged me to be friendly with in Sydney and who I confided much in, including the reasons for our break up and opening up to her when it was happening.
This is the guy who only 3 months ago was asking me when I was coming home and when it finally dawned on him that I was leaving he remarked how much 'it hurts'.
To make it even more irksome.. LITTLE Belle... what am I great BIG Penelope! I certainly feel a great BIG mug thinking about our phone calls in the last couple of months and me thinking that there might be a glimmer of hope that he might see the light and suddenly gain 30 years emotional maturity in a few days!
So my reply
S
Thank you for being honest - that was really the only thing I wanted from you and was the biggest disappointment when I didn't receive it.
It's a shame that it has happened now, if only I had had it from you before I feel that our relationship would have survived.
I am pleased for Belle and for you. You are both wonderful people and I can only love you and hope you are happy.
I have to admit I was hoping that you might turn round step up to the mark and say some meaningful words and I would have considered returning.
Still, I hope in you I will always have a friend and I hope we can continue with a friendship.
You came into my life and it has been a great pleasure knowing you and loving you.
I knew that this was going to happen so I have kind of prepared myself and I kind of had a feeling
I suppose it is time for me to move on, though my heart is still very much yours. I haven't slept with anyone else but you for the last 6 years and to be honest I don't really want to - just in case you were wondering. Have met some guys but my sense of humour seems to fall a bit flat on them :)
Thank you again for your honesty - much appreciated
Penelope x
Don't you just love this one.... Loved my honesty at the end with who I slept with (thought that James the gardener didn't really count!) - well, better for the dramatic end not to mention him. Had to mention this as he always maintained I had an affair with Robson Green (yep.. the British Actor.. but that's another story - and I didn't)
Then after stewing, trying sleep tossing and turning I sent another one - so much for keeping my dignity and my chin high.. sod that... let's just take it up a notch in the vitriol stakes!
S
A follow on from my last email.. just can't sleep tonight my brain and emotions are all in a turmoil. So have to get some things off my chest...
One thing that I am sad about is that I don't think you really loved me or cared for me. They say that that full recovery from a relationship one has to allow for half the time of the relationship - I can quite believe it. I have already faced this for a year and still feel it every day. Good to know that for you it was only 12 weeks! It certainly was a quick turnaround. Which leads me to the sad realisation, that I knew a while ago was that you really didn't love me. 'We weren't happy together' is a sad statement - sounds like you are justifying everything as we had every chance to be - but you blew it!. I put my heart and soul into our relationship and you coasted along with the minimum of emotional effort.
From not talking to me for a week after returning after my Mother's death when I most needed support I think took the rug emotionally from under my feet - not only having to deal with her death, but the reality that I had a boyfriend who when i really needed him to be supportive and understanding wasn't there. I think that was the start of the downward spiral for me. You will no doubt justify going off on internet sex sites and arranging sex session and shacking up with drunken girl friends in my absence as all my fault because our sex life had deterioriated. Yet, the idea of perhaps working out what was wrong and how to improve it and to talk about it (because it was purely that I felt you didn't care about me) never seemed to enter your head. Or even being honest when I found out about your sexual antics, saying sorry and working on how to improve the relationship never crossed your mind either.
Your travel plans with Mick to Costa Rica and your sailing trips with anybody who said 'I have a yacht and let's travel round the world led me to believe that jumping ship from me was really not that hard for you to do.
I know you are not at all bothered what I have to say anymore and the last throws of emotional turmoil from me, that I am still going through is probably just going to be laughed at as the writings of an emotionally unstable woman.
I do feel slapped in the face by you emotionally and the cherry on the pie certainly smacks when you can be involved with someone else after such a short time with someone that ironically you had always earnestly tried to hitch me up with as a girlfriend when I had little in the way of friends.
Funny thing was that I actually had a flight back to Sydney and was planning to see you on my return to see if we could move forward. But after the conversation where you said that it was a two way street and that my biggest sin was not calling you when I was stuck in a meeting and you had made dinner , If that is the worst thing I have done then I must be smitten to go to hell and roast in the infernal fires!- I changed the flight to Melbourne! In retrospect it would have been a bit awkward turning up and putting my big foot where it wasn't wanted between you and Belle's!
My first email still rings true... but this one I just had to write if nothing else to get it out in the open whether it makes any difference or not, I feel better having written it. I am filled with much sadness, disappointment and the feeling of being an absolute mug! Of course you never wanted to get back with me.. or cared about what I felt...
I hope you know me to know that I needed to vent this
I do value you in my life and it probably will be more positive as a friendship than a relationship
Me x
Well, that told him - it's going to be strong man who now picks up the phone and calls me - no trace of bitterness in this one at all!
So moving on up!
Still got to work on how to get back the deposit for our flat.. money for my car, not to mention all the furnishings that I bought that are still in the house - still working on trying to push the image away of S and Belle in OUR bed! You might think I am being stingy but after all the holidays I took him on, the business I bought for him with no payback... he can blimmin pay back for the final bits.
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