And so to my new job....

Two women on the boat - just love the T Shirts!














And so I start my new job... freelance and training at the moment...

Like starting my first day at school… just look at the green behind my ears!

Starts off with paperwork.. more paperwork.. how many forests died for this? This photo doesn't include all the paperwork that has to be filled in as I complete my 'training' that I left in a folder on the boat.

Then my uniform.. thank goodness no shorts.. they have skorts! Yes, shorts that look like skirts.. how brilliant! The polo shirts are tastefully in dark grey and light grey. Go well with my noticeably grubby Converse – mental note – need to clean them!

Then to the dive boat. Dive boat.. it could swallow all the dive boats I’ve ever worked on before and still have space! Reminded me more of the cross channel ferries in the UK, but with less plastic and more carpets and furnishings.

This is 3! of them...with the end one having a capacity for 450 people!

It's not a dive farm it's a dive battery farm.

The supervisor who supervises me is Japanese and I have nicknamed her ‘Min’ the Merciless. I am being told so many times over who my various supervisors are, that she is the boss of those and ultimately I am left with the feeling that I am bottom feeder of the bottom feeders. Is this a case of break me down and then build me up. When introducing me to divers she introduces herself as ‘instructor’ and me as ‘safety diver’. I don’t think she will be so safe when I get my hands on her regulator - so tempting!

I am almost tempted to brief the divers Japanese style – ‘make sure you are bleedin’ – translation ‘make sure you are breathing’.

There is no recognition that I have 8 years diving instructor experience behind me. When she asked about my experience it was to retort that it doesn’t matter how much experience I have – I have to do things their way – backing song by Frank Sinatra ‘My Way’.

The ship with its 434 people arrived at the Agincourt Reef. Pulling up alongside a platform that resembled a set from Waterworld or a water space station.

The diving Platform has lifting balconies to avoid algae growth – certainly grows my biceps when winding up those winches to lift them up. There is no tank lifting or loading at all since all tanks are fed in situ with whips to the main banks. Each tank taking 20 seconds to fill - bliss. Just take off your empty tank put on the whip and hey presto!

Stairs lead to a ledge where intro divers can do skills and then down the ropes to a 15ft deep platform.

My first exercise was a speed dive to acquaint myself with the reef, with her asking me every 5 minutes where the point of exit was. She even asked me the direction of the clown fish we had seen. By using the clown like movement of her thumb against her nose and wiggle her fingers. I thought she was taking the piss out of me – as I don’t know this sign (I was almost tempted to give it back). So she must have thought I was a right thicko.

My day was spent with the ocean walkers - we’re talking people wearing a helmet like an astronaut. But we’re not talking space walk – some people even have problems knowing what walking is. Or is it only Asians that walk with both knees bent?

On my safety training I was asked for an exercise to take James my fellow instructor (15 stone, 7 foot) to the surface wearing a 35 kilo helmet (4kg under water). He was going to pretend to have a heart attack. The only one going to have a heart attack was me…. But I managed it despite no guidance as to how I was actually going to do it! Phew!

We have a dive computer provided by the company when we take certified divers so they can monitor our depth and ascent rate (does it have a farting and peeing in wet suit monitor as well?). So I am sure no doubt I will get my wrists rapped at some point for that one!

I am trying to stay patient…. Hold my breath and count to 10…..

Min has to make people feel small and belittled to feed her sense of power – so I’ll just have to keep tugging my forelock and be the fertiiliser for her ego. My first dive she said the divers didn’t enjoy it because ‘the coral wasn’t colourful’ – so next time mental note, take some paint and brushes with me!

She has advised me that not many people make the 3 month training period and I have to admit I am looking around for the supposed new person that was supposed to have started 2 weeks before me, but I seem to be the only newby!

5^th October 2011

Back to work after 3 days off.. love these 4 day weeks. So what did I do on my days off, most notable….

.. go and get some false eyelashes of course. After seeing an Asian girl at work with cow lashes I was very impressed. It’s sods law that I might be half oriental, but I didn’t get the small oriental body – I got the small eyelashes instead. Mascara I never use – as they say, you can never polish a turd. Mascara only heightens the fact that then I have cloggy black short eyelashes. Even when they went to attach the false ones they commented that they didn’t have much to stick on to! So it has always been my dream to waft some wind by the breeze of my luscious lashes.

I did stipulate ‘natural’ to the beauty therapist/lash sticker-onner. So when I came out looking like a cross between Jessica Rabbit and some drag queen my new eyelashes somewhat didn’t flutter as they were too far apart on my amazed open eyes taking in the OTT effect. So back in for some ‘pruning’ and finally a natural flutter that didn’t require sequins and lipstick. Maintenance advice was to keep the AC on in the car and not to open the window – so no strong winds and not to get them wet until 24 hours after.

So what about work.

Today was noteable for multiple failure day. My Suunto Stinger counted my depth to 500ft – and that was sitting in the car. My replacement Swatch watch.. stopped and my back up of backups dive computer is waiting to be sent off for a battery change. So now down to counting .. underwater abacus?

This morning I had to do the sales pitch – on the sundeck. So out I go to the front of the ship and onto the seating on the top. Yep… wind was howling and all I could think about was how I could hang on to my newly acquired eyelashes.

To finalise the day the vacuum cleaner sucked.. or didn’t as the case may be (I have to clean the upper deck at the end of the day) and when being fixed by a ‘helper’ the nozzle was snapped clean off the end with a big crack. Well that fixed that blockage!

6^th October

Arrived TWO minutes late and was told off! Good start.. or is that the planned unnerving to start the day! (The next day I came in early and started to distribute leaflets – I am told I don’t do any work till I get briefed by her on what the day’s divers are booked. So I sit down to wait.. and wait.. she wanders off and has a chat with somebody else so I sit there for 15 minutes!

Was told to repeat my selling of the diving to guests on the Sun deck again. It was just as windy as the day before – how do I protect passengers from being impaled by flying false eyelashes?

For the remaining lash hanger onners they went through their final test when I was feeding the frantic Chubb and the sharp toothed Red Sea Bass to entertain my astronauts. So enthusiastic were they with my feeding technique – the fish knocked my mask off! Luckily it was knocked down and not off so I was able to put it back on again with decorum whilst entertaining my underwater astronauts. A technique achieved by holding the feed bottle between my legs to free my hands and praying that no fish would make a beeline with their sharp teeth around my crotch area.

Got to go back to get my eyelashes ‘fixed’ for a ‘few’ that have dropped out – don’t think they are banking on the whole set.

Was put back on vacuum cleaning duty at the end of today. Whilst cleaning in the cockpit command centre amongst the hi tech equipment, not quite sure how it happened but suddenly all the red lights started flashing and an alarm went off. I exited pretty pronto, with of course a look of pure innocence…..but with a brain thinking ‘Fuuuuuu******”. The captain sorted it out thank goodness, so not sure if it was a result of a wayward suck with my nozzle or a warning of some dire disaster averted.

I have advised that I can do intros in Spanish - you get a bit extra money if you can speak another language. So it was with a little trepidation that I briefed this Argentinian lady. All was expectedly rusty but with drawings, actions and Spanglish I got through it. One glitch - I was briefing on how to clear one's ears under water by holding one's nose and blowing into it. Instead of saying 'oido' for ears I said 'ojo' for eyes. So the sentence instead translated that to make your eyes pop you blow into your nose! That could have been interesting.. the look of confusion after that sentence was international and needed no translation!

On the subject of people - do tourists on holiday also leave their brain behind.. comments to me this week "Does the helicopter fly underwater", "Do these stairs go up?". They keep a book at work so I entered these and added to the host of others "where's the best place on the boat to sit to avoid being stung by jellyfish?", "can I get the coach back from the reef?"... and these are just for starters!